Don't Stop Believing! (And Snapchat confuses me).

I was supposed to go to a funeral yesterday. I didn’t end up going and while I feel bad I didn’t go, I just couldn’t. I woke up yesterday morning with this dread. Not because of the thunderstorms, which I actually find calming, but because I felt alone.

This would have been my fifth funeral this year. The first three were all within two weeks of each other when I lost my father-in-law, my aunt and my mom. The fourth was for one of my best volunteers. And while yesterday’s funeral was someone I wasn’t all that close to, I knew it would be everyone asking me how I’m doing because my mom died and I just got divorced. I just didn’t want to be there.

As if I wasn’t down enough, it was my ex-husband’s birthday. I thought about all those trips I would plan for his birthday and how he never once did anything for mine other than a cheap gift. He was camping yesterday and I couldn’t help but hope that the storm blew his tent away. I don’t know if it did. But the thought of him chasing down his tent during a thunderstorm makes me laugh so I’ll take it.

And I didn’t want to clean out the spare room. I know I needed to so my roommate could move in today but that was supposed to be my baby’s room. Finding giraffe decorations and wedding pics that I had tossed in there was breaking my heart so I just kept stopping every time I started.

I didn’t really want to get out of bed yesterday when I kept thinking about the loss, the years wasted, the regrets.

Then I remembered my Friday night where one friend convinced me to go running in horrible heat. We pushed through, met our goal and I felt like I could do anything. And how another friend drove me around looking for Pokemon until my battery died. And how on Saturday I went out with my co-workers for one of their birthdays and without getting drunk I had a blast. I watched my shy sister try to hook our friend up with every guy she could find, sang along to country music with my skull and Star Wars tattooed friend, rapped some Usher and Ludacris karaoke with the birthday girl and then we got on the dance floor and danced like crazy until the bar closed.

Oh and I accidentally butt-dialed another friend while dancing and she was ready to send a search party out for me! 

So why am I sad? Why do I feel alone when I am surrounded by so many amazing people who would do anything for me and who push me to be my best self?

And then I didn’t feel alone. I got up and I moved forward. I spent the day with my sister, I got new running shoes and I finished cleaning the spare room.

FYI there was video of the karaoke on Snapchat but I have no idea where things go on Snapchat once their time is up. Where are you video?! I’m old and I don’t understand Snapchat!!!