Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Since last year...

Sometimes, especially when I haven't written in a long time, I like to reflect back on my other posts. Some feel like just filler, others really mean something to me. Here's a post from last year, reflecting on what I had or hadn't accomplished in life. Since then not much has changed as far as accomplishments go. I've had some losses in the last year but I've also gained. Right now I feel like I'm breaking even.

I'm pretty sure I've mentioned once or twice that my senior year of high school I took advance composition. As a writer, aspiring to be published, one would assume that I loved this class above all others and put every bit of effort into it. That would be not so accurate.I did love the class, but it was a lot of work and at the time I thought I had better things to do with my last hour of the school day. I failed the class, but I didn't need it to graduate so oh well. Not really. I failed a few classes in high school, for instance algebra, physics, geometry, all mostly for a lack of attendance. I thought living was more import than learning and when it comes to those classes, for the most part, I have no regrets. Failing advance comp was the only time I really felt bad about failing. The teacher was an odd guy, not your usual teacher, but a great teacher. He wanted to make sure we could write a solid essay before we took off for college, he wanted to make sure we read good literature that wasn't the main stream stuff we we're use to and he pushed us to be creative. I think I've mentioned a play that I wrote for his class.Anyway, he actually wanted us to learn something. Even though I failed, I still learned a lot. I even keep the journal that we had to write in every week filled with the positive comments that he wrote about my work, about my writing. And I kick myself for not finishing that class.What brought all of this to mind was when he walked into the shoe store today and even though I should have taken it as the chance to apologize for giving up, and told him that I regretted not finishing and that he was still a really good teacher that taught me something regardless of my grade. That's not what I did though, I hid. I hid because I didn't want him to see me selling shoes. It's been nearly seven years since I graduated and I had nothing to say but I sell shoes. And I couldn't face it.I felt like a huge let down to everyone, including myself. And I know I'm the one to blame for what my life is. I need to work harder so if there's ever a next time I will have something worth saying.


Bobby said...

We end up where we end up.

And we should write about it.

Share your story.

It's not the job, it's the stories - the people. You're seeing things nobody else sees - believe that.

You have your own vision.

Success/failure - in life - it's all relative. Totally.

whimsical brainpan said...

I feel you hon.

However we are where we need to be in our lives, and there is no point in harshing on yourself for being there.

Took me 12 years of therapy to get that one.