Did I mention I'm a failure?

I'm pretty sure I've mentioned once or twice that my senior year of high school I took advance composition. As a writer, aspiring to be published, one would assume that I loved this class above all others and put every bit of effort into it. That would be not so accurate.
I did love the class, but it was a lot of work and at the time I thought I had better things to do with my last hour of the school day.
I failed the class, but I didn't need it to graduate so oh well. Not really. I failed a few classes in high school, for instance algebra, physics, geometry, all mostly for a lack of attendance. I thought living was more import than learning and when it comes to those classes, for the most part, I have no regrets. Failing advance comp was the only time I really felt bad about failing.
The teacher was an odd guy, not your usual teacher, but a great teacher. He wanted to make sure we could write a solid essay before we took off for college, he wanted to make sure we read good literature that wasn't the main stream stuff we we're use to and he pushed us to be creative. I think I've mentioned a play that I wrote for his class.
Anyway, he actually wanted us to learn something. Even though I failed, I still learned a lot. I even keep the journal that we had to write in every week filled with the positive comments that he wrote about my work, about my writing. And I kick myself for not finishing that class.
What brought all of this to mind was when he walked into the shoe store today and even though I should have taken it as the chance to apologize for giving up, and told him that I regretted not finishing and that he was still a really good teacher that taught me something regardless of my grade. That's not what I did though, I hid. I hid because I didn't want him to see me selling shoes. It's been nearly seven years since I graduated and I had nothing to say but I sell shoes. And I couldn't face it.
I felt like a huge let down to everyone, including myself. And I know I'm the one to blame for what my life is. I need to work harder so if there's ever a next time I will have something worth saying.

Another search

I was on a roll posting ever day and then I ruined it. I have no good excuse except laziness. Also the post that I put up on Monday for some reason didn't post on the top so I thought I would leave it at the top for another day.

The search for a writing group may turn out to be as difficult as my search for an artist has been. Out of all the replies I've gotten there are a few that were a bit odd. One writing group gave me all the details about their group like what to bring and where to meet but they didn't give me the time. I e-mailed back but haven't gotten a reply. Another person told me that I didn't want to join their group and that I should take writing classes before joining a group anyway. I hope that wasn't a shot at my e-mail, which I proofread because I did not want to look like an idiot. Whatever the reason, it was annoying because I have taken writing classes. Just because you have a writing group and I don't, doesn't make you better than me. Of course, I could be reading too much into it. I do have a bit of an overactive imagination. I also got a reply from a group of senior ladies that write historic creative non-fiction. And my attempts to start my own writing group have been smashed down by the fact that no one replied.
I could always join another writing class just so I could have people workshop my writing but I always have anxiety when it comes to workshops. I'm not sure how a writing group would cause less anxiety but what I am pretty sure of is that I don't want to pay hundreds of dollars to have "deep" people tell me my stories are bad. At least not when there's a chance I can get that for free.

A new goal

Well as my word totals show, NaNoFiMo is going as well as NaNoWriMo and by well I mean not well at all. I'm thinking that I need to just sit down and write an entire section at a time, since each section is a short story that my main character is writing and her thoughts about writing it. I know I can write a whole short story in a day because that use to be the result of my procrastination during my creative writing classes. The writing 1,000 words a day system isn't working for me. My former creative writing teachers tried to encourage me to set similar daily goals for myself but they just never worked for me. Probably because I have no self discipline but I'm just going to say it's because I like to break the rules and be different.

And you can now find me at www.comicspace.com/ashley .Although I haven't really put much more than my name on their yet. I usually add to these things a little at a time.
Thanks to Ragnell for the name suggestion!

NaNoFiMo: 6760 + 29438 = 36198

Another class?

Only two days left. I can't believe how fast the year has gone. I just realized that fall semester is almost over and that means winter semester is nearly here.
Right now I really want to go back to school next semester, I'm just not sure how I'd pay for it or if I'd have time for it.
I miss school, at least the good classes where I actually learned something. The last class I had I felt lost in. Not because it was hard but because all you had to do was show up. I didn't feel like I was getting anything from it and most of the time it seemed like the professor was just talking about her life rather than the class.
That class made me want to take a break but I think I might see what's offered next semester.
I'm thinking of taking another writing class but I'm kind of on the line. The first writing class I ever took taught me a lot about the basics which I never realized I had forgotten. I took another class that forced me to write so much and I liked a lot of what I got from it but the last one I hated. Not because I wasn't doing well but I just didn't fit in. It's hard to explain without telling the long tale, but maybe I will someday.
I guess I'll have to think about it.

No car and no contest

I'm back with my second entry of the day. I really hope that the readers and fellow participants in NaBloPoMo don't think I just put my name on the site to get more readers and had no intention of blogging everyday. It was really circumstance beyond my control. I'll sum it up real fast so I don't dwell on it.
Couldn't pay bill, Internet shut-off. Borrowed sister's broken down laptop with slow dial-up, couldn't get a connection. Would have taken the time to drive or take bus to library but axle broke in car and had to find way to get the car towed out of the middle of the street.

Now that we have that out of the way, I hope people continue to read on.

A while back I decided to enter a short-short story in a contest. It was an odd little story about a bubble gum used to get revenge on a door to door salesman. The whole story came from an on the spot writing exercise in my creative writing class. It was by no means an idea I had been working on for a while. I probably would have never given it another thought if my professor hadn't suggested that I enter it in a contest. (It's entirely possible that she was just trying to be nice.)
Well, I did. At the time I didn't realize how tough the contest I was entering was and that it more focuses on literary fiction, which my story wouldn't qualify as, although they say they except everything. After looking around a few writer's forums I came to the conclusion that I had lost. Yet November rolled around and I decided to check just to be on the safe side. I wish this was the part where I said I won but no, I didn't.
I was nervous checking to see ( I couldn't check until today because of my Internet problems). I wasn't nervous that I was going to lose but rather that I didn't want to win. At the time I didn't see that my story was quite silly and that the magazine was rather well known. What if I had won and people remembered me for my stupid bubble gum story?
I often feel regret about my work once it's too late. I don't even like people reading my work in front of me. Is this normal or am I completely out of my mind?

Sweaty Palms are not so bad!

Normally the horrible heat and the not-so-happy moments in my life would be really keeping me down. I've been trying to keep a positive attitude and tonight I just started complaining about how things suck.
Then I checked my e-mail. It was not a rejection notice my friends, it said "accepted". My work has been selected to appear in the September issue of Writer's Post Journal.
I submitted my job interview gone bad story, Sweaty Palms, for the September issue that had a theme of jobs/work/opportunities.
The magazine can only be purchased on-line but it is a real magazine, not an e-zine. The issue will be out in September and I'll post a link then.

I actually wrote the story as a short-short for a creative writing class assignment. And it's written in second person. Crazy, I know. I was inspired by my job interview for the job I have now. It was in September so it was still hot and I remember my palms were sweating like mad when I had to shake my bosses' hand. Then in the interview he made a comment about what not to wear and I was wearing it. I really didn't think I would get the job. I did but I thought about what else could have gone wrong and then kept elaborating until I had this story. When my creative writing teacher didn't put a bunch of horrible comments on it I thought it might be worth sending out.

I'm so excited!

Entry fee?

A while back in one of my writing classes we were given these cards to write random ideas on. Then we all drew and we had to write a story using the two cards we picked. I had chosen bubble gum and door-to-door salesperson. So I wrote my crazy story. My teacher put a note on it, saying that it was funny and I should submit it to a short-short contest.
Personally, I wouldn't normally submit a story of this nature. I'm sure it's a decent story (my professor never really held back when work wasn't good) but it's the kind of thing that you might find in a middle-aged, housewife kind of magazine. I'm fine with having a story published just about anywhere, so that doesn't bother me. The thing is that the magazines I can find that would fall into that category are all 'agented only' submissions. Did my professor realize this and that's what inspired the contest comment rather than a submit comment? I'm not sure but the biggest question is whether the story is worthy of a $10 entry fee?

One song

After my writing class pretty much made me hate the idea of writing short-fiction stories, I've been thinking a lot about what I want to write. I have a ton of ideas that would make great stories and I'm sure I'll get to write most of them one day if the fates allow.
In my down time I've been watching a lot of movies and two got me really thinking.
The first was "Walk the Line". When Johnny Cash is at an audition, in hopes to record his music, the producer he's playing for tells him to stop. The producer ask him if he got hit by a truck and you only had enough time to play one song before you go, one chance to tell people what you really feel about life, is that what you would sing? That's not an exact quote but you get the idea.
Then I was watching a favorite of mine, Rent. Roger, a song writer, is trying to write one song before he dies. But if you only get to write one song, what do you write about?
This all got me thinking. If I only have time to write one thing in my life, do I want it to be some lame vampire story that I only wrote because it met the requirements for my class? Do I want my one story to be written how my professor instructed so I can get an A? I want it to be written the way I feel it, I want it to say what I want it to say?
I just don't know what that is.

Experimenting

I haven't abandoned my blog. I'm still alive and I'm still writing.
Not to say that my creative writing class isn't good but it's kind of made me sick of writing conventional short stories, at least for now. So lately I've been trying some experimental things. One is a cartoon strip that works around my lack of talent in the art department. Another is a really huge project and by huge I mean actual size of the finished product. I haven't started yet because, due to it's large size, it needs quite a bit of preparation. Mostly because it's quite costly so there is no room for mistakes.
It's probably real annoying that I never give more detail but that's just me. Sorry!
Well these projects keep me away from my computer. That is why there's been a lack of "I've got writer's block" blogs.

Wasting time?

For several reasons, I skipped class tonight. Shameful, I know. Lately I have been discouraged about class anyway. I feel like I can't do anything right. The professor is trying to help and I am well aware that I am not a good writer. My trouble is that I am just not sure that great writing can be taught. Am I wasting my time?

Kreeg:Writer's Best Fan

It's a dark and stormy night. The perfect weather to write my terrifying story for class. The perfect time to write it since it's due on Friday. Yet as I sit down and try to type I find myself too preoccupied with things today. Last night I felt the same way and managed to type a few pages after posting on this blog. Maybe tonight will be a repeat.

I realized that I have never posted a picture on my blog. There are pictures on my live journal about my everyday life but there really aren't pictures about my writing. Tonight I realized that there are pictures of my biggest fan. While he may not be fond of my work, he watches every word I type.

Sorry he kind of blends. I could have taken the picture in a better light but I took it from my seat at my desk where I write, or pretend to anyway. He watches me the whole time. I can't close my office door, even to block out the real world and get into writer's mode. He won't whine he just bangs at the door handle as if he is trying to get in. He's not happy being locked in the office with me. Although sometimes he sits next to the desk. One thing's for sure, I never worry that he's going to tell me my work sucks. So bloggers let me be the first to introduce you to Kreeg!

Spring Break!

Since it is spring break I should be getting lots done but that is not the case. I've picked up extra hours at work because I need the money. I have been looking for a new car which is actually a lot more time consuming and a lot less fun than I had imagined.
I had been keeping up with my page a day but it has dropped off again. I keep promising myself that I am going to sit down and catch up. That has yet to happen. My professor did send me comments on my first half. That made me realize I had yet to read my comments from my first assignment in that class. I also haven't read the comments from my last workshop but I'm pretty certain I don't want to.
The rejection notices have started to flow a little more steadily because I've been getting my work sent out more steadily. Just nothing recently.
While November is national novel writing month March is NaNoEdiMo (National novel editing month). My plan was to edit my NaNoWriMo novel but that hasn't happened.
There are still a few days left, right?

Oxford 2007?

Today my professor has started his idea of e-mailing me everyday to make sure I write at least a page a day. For good measure, today I wrote two.

I recently found out there is a three week summer writing program that I would very much like to attend. It has an application fee of over $500 and the tuition, including room and board, is over $3000. Why the heck would I want to pay that much for a creative writing program? It's at Oxford University! The trip alone would be awesome and I could say I attended Oxford. I doubt it for 2006 but maybe 2007.

Not looking!

Class was cancelled tonight. I did get on a roll writing my story and managed to get a good chunk finished and turned in. I actually like it. I also think since class was cancelled that perhaps my deadline for workshop would be pushed back. Giving me even more time to push out a decent story to redeem myself for the crap I've been turning in. Of course if this is the case I can not wait until the last minute.

Here is a little crazy bit of information. When I was middle school I took typing class but I was in my newly rebellious stage where I wore old band t-shirts, wanted to be in a band and stopped caring about doing well in school. So I paid no attention in this class and the teacher never tested us to see if we didn't actually look at the keys. I talked with my friends about the latest rock music( I was obsessed) and just typed looking at the keys; it was quicker. Then through high school I barely touched a computer. My family didn't have one and I was too busy working to ever do homework anyway. Besides, whoever wrote songs of angst on a computer?
When I got out of high school and got serious about writing I finally bought my very own computer. The one I still use today, parts of it anyway. And I type slow and poorly. I look at the keys and often mix my letters up. I've thought of taking typing classes to help me get my thoughts out of my head faster but as with every thing else it just gets lower on the to do list.
Having no idea how to train myself on not looking at the keyboard I decided to work on mixing up letters. So now instead of noticing I misspelled something and figuring I'll fix it with spell check later, I now back up and fix it. As I was doing this on my paper today I noticed something.
I don't look at the keyboard. I don't know when it happened. Until this morning I thought I still did. I glance down occasionally but this whole entry I haven't looked. How wicked cool is that?
I know it's a common skill but I'm really excited I've accomplished something. And to think I could have paid money to learn to do it. It's so awesome!

Clue me in

Still don't have much time to squeeze in writing. Although I am considering dropping one of my classes because the teacher is nuts. I do all the reading and take extensive notes during her crazy lectures yet I get low test scores. Why? Because the questions on the test are not covered in the reading or the lectures. Of course I probably won't drop because it's a waste of money and it's just one more class I need to take to get my degree.

I'm trying to get my 5-7 pages that I alone need to have for my professor by tomorrow. This is part of my procrastination prevention plan that he has developed. Guess what? Haven't started. Nothing less is to be expected of me. I do think I'm going to write the vampire story I thought up a long while ago. I think I even promised to post it on this very blog if it didn't get published. For now I would just like to finish or start rather.
To "give me ideas" I started reading 'Salem's Lot by Stephen King. Ever since finishing his Gunslinger series this summer I have been meaning to start reading all the books connected to it. Those were most of the Stephen King books that I hadn't read. I know, it's horrible, I should be reading small, up and coming writers or those who didn't "sell out" but the reason all the well known authors are commonly read is because their stuff is good. Mostly.

I've been doing extensive research on marketing due to the fact that some companies ask for a marketing plan for your book. I'm confused. Do they mean I have to go to stores and ask them to carry the book or do they want me to suggest places I think would sell it? Does anything I'm asking about have to do with marketing? Is there anyone out there with a clue?

Another workshop over

Another workshop over.
The class didn't have anything particularly good to say but I expected and deserved a lot worse. I did get a chance to talk to my professor about my class worries. I explained that I feel rushed to create a story that is a certain length. I also put things off to the last minute. I don't find writing for the class particularly fun, mostly because I feel my work is forced. It all goes in circles really.
My professor had some good ideas to help me. He is also going to give me special deadlines and told me to stop worrying about writing for the class. I pushed my self through this story because everyone was wondering how the last one would end. I feel like I let people down. I think the talk was good and I'm no longer pondering the idea of dropping the class.

Crazy little fact: I misspelled the word writing by switching the ng to gn (writign) and the only alternative the spell check came up with was 'artisan'. Pretty close, huh?

Mad writer

Okay, I'm putting off my homework once again. I have to have my half-finished story finished by tomorrow.
Once again I'm nervous about workshop. I really rushed and stressed to finish it so I wouldn't be the only one with a 4 page-incomplete story and sure enough the longest story of my fellow classmates is six pages. I'm not sure if they are finished since I've put off reading those as well. I don't know why I'm nervous about workshop. I've been through so many and no one has ever yelled "your work sucks, quit writing!" (although they should). Everyone usually has helpful and nice things to say. They are probably just as nervous as I am. If I ever have a successful writing project, and I have to face critiques and the fact that at least one person in the world isn't going to like it, I'll flip out. I need writer's therapy. Well I need some kind of help anyway.

Speaking of my mad writing skills, I'm taking mythology which counts as a humanities class, for my global views requirements. Today our professor gave us a mid-term and we had an essay question. We had to fill three pages and I had no idea what to write but I filled the pages by repeating this sentence in various forms. The model of a mythological hero is a child born with divine heritage, but is not a god themselves, who goes on an adventurous journey to perform heroic acts in hopes of becoming immortal. In other words I failed that portion of the test.

Today into the mail I got a rejection letter but it was very nice. The editor wrote a long reply, in hand writing I could barley read. It said that the story was good but not what they were looking for. Then the editor went into writing about things it made him think of about his life. He also gave me suggestions of where to send it and how to make it better. I actually liked getting a rejection letter for a change.

Our crazy book about selling shoes is underway. My partner (Jenni) in crime, writing the shoe story and in assistant managing a shoe store has been hard at work. I've been slacking off per usual. But we've got a good start and I think it's going to be a lot of fun.

Memoirs of the Man Sandal

Once again I wrote my workshop story last minute. It wasn't even finished by five. It was late. And once I again I rushed it. It made no sense. The plot was weak and the title was stupid. I learned my lesson. I'm starting my next workshop story as soon as I get done with my assignment one story that is due Tuesday.

My friend and I have started working on a novel based on our shoe store experiences. Why would anyone want to read a stupid book about a shoe store? Because it's funny. We don't just say we sold a pair of shoes. We wait on rude customers who want you to open the store early or stay open late for them. Then there's the sales associate who steals shopping carts. Not to mention the joy of selling the men's leather dress sandal (The Man Sandal!). And we don't just sell shoes. We go "Office Space" on our broken vacuum in the parking lot and do dramatic reenactments of our bosses most stupid moments. This description is not doing it justice but I'm excited.

Due dates, and the true cost of submissions.

I'm not feeling so hot this week. Not that I'm ill. I just feel like all things writing are not great, but not bad either.
The first thing is I had creative writing again tonight. I have to finish my story I started for the last workshop. Plus make major edits from the revisions. I'm also up for workshop again next week which means another story by 5:00 p.m. Friday. The good news is I work better under pressure and it is practice for meeting deadlines. I think I can!
On Friday I got a sad letter saying I did not in fact place in the state finals of the LAND writing contest but "can be proud that my story was chosen to be one of two in my category to represent my school".
For brighter news I sent out a bunch of submission letters yesterday. The not so bright part of that news is directed at publications.
I get that you want people to buy your sample copies before submitting. It gets people to buy your stuff and hopefully gives you less junk submissions to look through when writers realize you're a children's magazine and they pen erotica. I also understand that each company is particular about submission guidelines such as margins, font, overly detailed or one line cover letters and so forth. Whatever makes it easy for you. What I don't understand is why they can't take e-mail submissions. Actually I do understand that it would probably flood their mail box and if their computer is anything like mine it would probably just stop working. It probably even makes some seem more professional and serious if they are willing to go through the whole mailing process. I just think it is such a waste of paper. I honestly feel guilty doing it and often struggle with sending out the things. Not to mention the ink, stamps, paper and other mailing materials get to be expensive for poor writers.

They didn't hate it(I think).

Okay I'm all right. My class didn't hate the story. They were all debating whether or not the character is crazy or has an incredibly cool power. They wanted me to tell them, but I'm not even sure yet. That's what happens when you don't finish a story. Maybe I can find some way to make it both or to leave it for the reader to interpret and debate. Either way the class not absolutely ripping the story apart was a bit reassuring. I was a little worried at first when the professor asked what people liked about it and no one said anything. Then someone yelled out that they needed time to switch from the last story to the current one. So there was no need for me to pass out. Generally it went well. Of course my professor is always looking for the deeper meaning of things and it's crazy but it's interesting. Sometimes I have no idea what he is talking about and I think he can tell that. Now all I have to do is finish it and edit what I already have.
The other thing is that there might soon be some news about my comic book. Don't worry it's not a huge deal but for me even small progress is exciting. I'm just that easy to please.